Dorothy Parker (née Rothschild) / 1893–1967 / Long Branch, New Jersey, USA / Poet, Literary Critic, Satirist
Children
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
“My Home Town,” The American Mercury, July, 1937.
Human Nature
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Review of The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton, Vanity Fair, 1918.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
The New Yorker, 1927.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Interview, “The Paris Review,” Spring, 1956.
Literature
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
The New Yorker, 1952.
Parker on Parker
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
The New Yorker, August 22, 1942.
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
Cited in Kevin C. Fitzpatrick, The Algonquin Round Table New York: A Historical Guide (2015).
I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.
Interview, “The Paris Review,” Spring, 1956.
I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.
The New Yorker, March 26, 1927.
I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.
Interview, “The Paris Review,” Spring, 1956.
What fresh hell is this? (upon hearing her doorbell ring).
Source unknown.
Politics
You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.
Review of Catherine the Great by Zoë Oldenbourg, Esquire, June, 1965.
The Rich
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
“The Philosopher,” in Not So Deep as a Well (1937).
Take care of the luxuries, and the necessities will take care of themselves.
“Our Lady of Wrath,” Esquire, September, 1952.
Romance
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Review of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce, Vanity Fair, 1922.
Suicide
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
“Resumé,” Enough Rope (1926).
Wit
There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Cited in Marion Meade, Dorothy Parker: What Fresh Hell Is This? (1988).
Writing
This is a funny business we’re in. But it’s a business.
The New Yorker, July 11, 1953.